a hard summer...Part 2 of 2

So, a good summer, and a good reminder for me as to why this job is so special. But at the same time on more than one occasions I had to sit back and wonder how many more years of this do I have left? I'm dramatic so I realize in advance that I tend to make somewhat extreme statements and such, but this was a very tiring summer and I think as my children get older, not being around them is only going to be more difficult. My son Ethan cries almost every time I leave the house, it stops quickly but he just doesn't understand why I'm leaving. My daughter Rebekah keeps asking me if I'm going to leave again every morning lately.


Now, I think I do a good job of keeping my family above my job. And certainly, when things are not moving along so quickly my job allows me to go to work at 9, be home by 4, and walk through my backyard to get to my office. So this is not complaining, more just looking at reality. As I look down the road and see my kids entering school in a few years (two for Rebekah which is crazy and a few more past that for Ethan), I have to realize that summer is when they will be most free to do stuff with my wife and me. If that's when I'm home only a bit, I am definitely going to have to start figuring things out.


I'm a control, Type A, personality typically, so I don't relinquish responsibility to others very well. I've tried to work on that and to realize that tendency is what keeps me busy sometimes. But there are things here that consume a lot of time and energy that I have to do and it is difficult. I will basically have been gone from home over four weeks in the past nine. Leaving my kids for 14 days on Tour was so difficult. Leaving my wife, who used to be able to go with me on these trips for 14 days, was painful at times. It's weird because I love the trip, I love hanging with the kids, seeing God use them in so many ways, but it hurts to miss my family.


It's not like the job is bad. This is as good as youth directing can get in my opinion. I've got a supportive church, good budget, great youth room, great facilities, amazing kids, a huge bunch of talented counselors/volunteers, and the freedom to take things in all kinds of directions. It's not that I want to trade any of it in. But, sometimes, I understand why people have to leave this kind of job. It can just consume you, not just physically in terms of the time you work, but mentally and emotionally. I wrap myself up in it so much and that is not always fair to my family. I get to see so many amazing revelations of God's presence and power, but I also feel so tired and even beat up sometimes. Again, I guess this is kind of whiny, and certainly my counselors aren't even paid and get fewer thanks than I do, so I'm really just putting this out here as I try to think things through, to process this out a bit.


I think seminary has made it harder too. That's totally been my decision to go but I feel like it is what I am supposed to do and at the same time, it is definitely pulling me away from my family and my job too. I love going, learning, reading, discussing, but this break from May through August has been heaven sent.


Paying for it has been difficult too. I'm decidedly anti-debt so the student loans I have were taken begrudgingly. My church helps pay for about half every year, I get a couple of small scholarships, and my parents have helped some too. But basically, it's $1200 a class plus books, plus gas/tolls for the once a week travel to Orlando. I thought I would be able to get some help with a UMC scholarship but evidently four semesters of straight A's, a limited youth director's income with a wife and two kids, strong recommendations from my pastor and a professor, and nine years of full time ministry at a United Methodist Church aren't enough. I either did not establish need, academic performance, or something else according to the ridiculously vague letter I received. Evidently weight is given to UM schools so maybe going to Asbury hurt because, you know, they only base just about everything they do on John Wesley who had little to do with Methodism so that makes sense. A little frustrated by that. And probably a little self centered but I really could have used a little more information as to why I was rejected for any of the six scholarship funds I applied for. But I digress from the original point that part of this assessment time is due to the demands of seminary and the financial burdens that entail.


This is a great job. I could not thank God enough for bringing me here. I love the kids with whom I work. I marvel at how God uses them, grows them, and helps them to put up with all of my shortcomings. I am humbled by the willingness of the volunteers with whom I work to show up every Sunday night, on trips, and all kinds of other occasions because they love the kids and want to support me. If I were only to do this for years to come, I would be so thankful. At this stage, I'm just needing to take some time to assess where I am, where I am going, and how God is calling me forward. Youth ministry is not a stepping stone to "real" ministry as so many like to think so it's not about a move "up". I just need to make sure that what I am doing and where I am going are healthy and will ultimately be centered in the will of God so that I can be a good husband and a good father and most importantly, a good disciple of Christ.